Today we’re looking at ‘Kitten Jump’, the ultimate feline platformer available for the iPhone (or iTouch if you’re not so cool). First off, if you’re reading this and you don’t have an iPhone, fuck off. I’m glad we got that out of the way.
Kitten Jump is a simple game, you jump on clouds in order to increase your score whilst moving towards the heavens. For each cloud that you jump on you gain a point, while jumping on butterflies doubles your score. The clouds also start moving horizontally and get smaller the higher you go, so the game requires quite the dexterous thumb. Also, by thumb I mean your goddamn thumb and not your stupid index finger; people who play with their index finger or the accelerometer are douches. I’m sorry, I didn’t make the rules, that’s just how they are.
Let’s go over the categories you see in every game review:
Playability: a million.
Sound: I’ve never heard it, I give it a 10.
Graphics: I like ‘em, half a billion for that.
Re-Playability: Don’t be an asshole.
Overall Score:
That’s 7 floating cat head cursors for those not in the know. Also I forgot to mention all these scores are based on a scale of 1-6.3.
So now I would like to show you some screenshots and describe what is going on. Yes I ended that sentence with a preposition, and I’m not changing it.
Here we have the opening screen. While you do have the choice of turning the sound off, you are only allowed to use ‘finger control’ as your control method. We went over this, don’t be a douche. Also notice the fantastic graphics, our feline friend is in front of the sun riding a motherfucking cloud. On a side note, it also looks like the cat is about to give some lucky bloke a BJ, which is very disturbing.
Now we’re in the game, the menacing clouds drop slowly to the surface while the awesome intro text tells you what’s up. We now get to view the in-game graphics which are just as fucking awesome as the title screen. Look at those clouds, the rainbow, the fucking sun. At this point you realize you’re about to rape some clouds.
I am now in the process of raping clouds. The cat might look a bit blurry, but that’s because it’s moving so goddamn fast. Also note that I fall down after every screenshot, it’s a bit hard to take screenshots and play the game at the same time.
Oh shit, I’m about to totally rape that butterfly. DOUBLE POINTS SON. Also note that I am 33 stories into the air.
Look how tiny those clouds got, I’M SO HIGH I’M ABOVE A HOT AIR BALLOON AND THE SUN. This game is extreme.
Beat my top score. Go ahead, I’ll wait. So what’s up with you lately? Jumping on clouds? Oh what’s that, you can’t? Thought so.
When this game first came out I got it for free because I am a master of the App Store, now it costs $1.99. But get this, HALF OF THAT GOES TO THE MEOW FOUNDATION. Yes, I was as suprised as you are right now that there is a Meow Foundation, but that shit is legit. I’m pretty sure they do something with cats. Anyway, if you want to check it out go here.
OK, number 1, cute fucking cat in the header… 2, if you use the word legit in another post, I’m gonna go apeshit.
3, Meow Foundation? The Meow Foundation???
Can we use the word “legacy” instead?
“legacy” is not allowed either. It sounds cool, but when I think about it it sounds more like an insult. Seriously think about it.
If you are running a computer that uses a parallel port for its printer, a PS/2 port for the keyboard and mouse and has a 8x AGP graphics card, that shit is legacy and you need a new computer.
Here is a much better version of this that isn’t funding shady organizations such as the MEOW FOUNDATION:
http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g3/bells.htm
And it would probably run on that computer NamelessTed mentioned.