Okay, we’re now approaching hour 5 of my marathon run in the “new” and “improved” Team Fortress 2, and I’ve yet to unlock a single viable upgrade. It’s about this time that I can’t help but wonder why I’m wasting my oh-so-precious time even doing this and not stupefying myself with liquor and cheap sex. I’d like to say it’s for all of you, but God knows we don’t have that big of a community, so I have to believe it’s become a matter of pride and principle.

For those of you who have forgotten that PC gaming does still exist, this week marked the release of the much touted “Spy vs. Sniper” update in TF2. And with it Valve has given its answer to the ever growing problem of “class-whoring.” To me this has never been a problem. I’ve always been strangely comfortable with the idea that for the two weeks following a release, everyone would spam a class. I’m okay with it for two reasons: first, that the original achievement/reward system forced you into becoming a higher caliber player, as the achievements were designed to teach you how to play a class correctly. This would eventually lead into more thoughtful and exciting matches once the Upgrade rush died off. Secondly, because I was doing it too and people in glass servers shouldn’t throw stones.

Now, however, Valve has replaced this reward system with a randomized drop system. Wherein, any player, at anytime, can “find” one of these unlockable items just by playing. Valve has stated that specific criteria does have to be met before one of these said items can be found. But after 17 matches, 234 kills, 34 captures, 52 defenses, and the complete loss of any chance at a full night of sleep, I’ve yet to figure out what the fuck that criteria is. And if anyone truly knows, believe me, they’re not telling.

Apparently, the change was supposed to entice newbie players to be less intimidated/dominated by players who’ve already obtained these weapons. To that I say this… fuck you. Let them earn it. Stepping into a game like TF2, that has such a dedicated and opinionated fan-base, these players aren’t going to be accepted. They need to just pony-up and cut their teeth. Because now, not only has your loving community been alienated, you’ve just created another internet flame war. Good job, Valve, good job. I’d like to believe that the bad press this moves received is going to teach everyone a valuable lesson, and come Monday all will return, but it’s doubtful. “It is what it is,” I suppose. At least that’s what folks round here at the Golgotron empire like to say. Well, yes, “it is what it is” and it’s bullshit. So in my most awesome and eloquent of 7331-speech I’ll make my plead, and let it fall on the surely deaf ears. Valve, preez 2 b fixin. kthxbai.