You Suck at Left 4 Dead

Left 4 Dead is not a hard game, yet many people’s tiny brains cannot comprehend how to properly play the game.  This little guide is for the Campaign mode and not versus or the new survival mode, god help you if you play one of those (without your close friends).

So what’s the first rule?  When you hear the horde noise (you know which one) you get in a corner.  You don’t stand in the middle of the fucking road like an idiot and then ask for help, you get in a corner.  Why in a corner?  ZOMBIES CAN’T GO THROUGH WALLS.  You’re protected numbnuts, and if you get your whole team in a corner you’ll be untouchable.  And speaking of your team, when you’re holed up somewhere two people crouch and two people stand.  You know who crouches?  The people with shotguns.  Why?  I can’t believe you asked that question.

An entire team with any weapon will suck.  Now,  I’m not talking about the starting weapons (Protip: Shotgun), I’m talking about those new shiny ones you get in the third level after you missed them in the second level.  Now depending on how you play determines which weapon you pick:

Shotgun: You like to be in front or you are a newbie.  Note that this isn’t a newbie weapon, but it’s the easiest ones for those mouthbreathers to use.

Assault Rifle: You like to kill zombies but also require accuracy, a happy medium between the sniper rifle and the shotgun.  As it only takes 1-2 bullets to actually kill a zombie, your clip allows you to kill more zombies (spread apart) than the other weapons.

Sniper Rifle: You like to hang back and cover people.  If you rush with this weapon you’re an idiot, and if you don’t kill every fucking smoker you don’t deserve it.

Handguns: You’re an asshole who doesn’t use their main weapon.  Or you’re out of bullets.  Or you’re doing Akimbo Assassin.

Speaking of weapons, only one person gets the sniper rifle.  Any more than one and things will go to shit.  Why?  Because everyone on your team sucks, and when you get rushed those snipers won’t know what to do.  In terms of throwable stuff I usually go Pipe Bomb instead of Molotov, that way you don’t set your teammate on fire while you try and save them.  Also, if you have to carry your propane tank or Gas Can more than 30 seconds PUT THAT SHIT DOWN.  I’m tired of shooting zombies that attack you while you try to elbow them away.

So now you have a diversified team that all stays in a corner when the horde comes.  Congratulations, that’s 90% of the game.  The extra 10% is roughly making sure you’ve properly cleared rooms and stayed on top of the special infected.  Now let’s cover some more advanced situations.

The Tank – Light the fucker on fire, but more importantly SPREAD OUT.  Also DON’T GET NEAR THINGS THAT HE CAN PUNCH… aka if he’s in a garage full of cars you should be getting the fuck out.  After you all fan out he’ll chase one of you, once he’s locked on it’s the job of everyone else to follow him and pepper him with lead.  Just keep doing it until he’s dead.  Really that’s it.  NOT SO HARD.

Airport Terminal Event – After the truck smashes through the fence hit up that room on the right side.  It’s lovely.

End of Death Toll – Get on the fucking rock, even if you’re by yourself.

Train Car Event – After the train smashes the bridge immediately run up it.

Event in that one level where there’s a minigun and a forklift – One person on the minigun, a person right of the van, and two behind to cover.

Now about that Train Car Event, a lot of people have issue with that one.  Run to the safe room and abandon your teammates?  How cowardly!  Well imaginary person (or many real people who have yelled at me after I have done this), let’s think about what’s happening at the moment.  After some sort of zombie outbreak four survivors are united together out of NECESSITY to survive until they get rescued.  If I reach that safe room THAT NECESSITY ENDS because at that point I AM SAFE.  Now if you died permanently and didn’t come back that next level I would definitely save you, it would be necessary. As that is not the case THERE IS NO REASON TO SAVE YOU, why should I risk my life for yours?  All you need is one person safe, if everyone else is being an idiot they will die.  And guess what?  They’ll come back the next level.

One day I imagine a time where I’ll jump on L4D  expert game where I’m not the last one alive (always).  Or, I’ll play and the tank won’t knock out all three of my teammates who really like the protection of a car for some reason.  Or a jackass won’t run as fast as he can through to set off all the events early.

One day, god (science?) willing, people will finally know how to play Left 4 Dead.