While browsing these things called ‘the internets’, I’ve noticed that the general ‘gaming’ population has as, at best, a loose grasp on grammar and spelling. Now, while there is nothing I can do to help those particular aspects, I can assist on something else gamers fail at: their gamertags.

I assume many gamers give up rather quickly when picking out a gamertag and write down whatever comes to mind first. You see, that gamertag is the only thing preventing you from going online and playing with your douchebag friends, as we all know douchebags travel in packs. So you try to be cool and type in ‘TigerClaw, but it’s taken! Suddenly, you decide to add 29 to the end of it, and you’re off to the races. You just made your first mistake.

There are certain rules when it comes to gamertags, the rules link to handy examples of actual gamertags:

- No numbers at the end of your name
- None of that Xx or xX shit, as well as Zz or single letters like ‘xsomethingx’
- Only one letter can be substituted with a similar number, for instance you can replace an E with a 3
- You cannot just use your full name, nor your first name (without being clever, ie ‘RonCore‘)
- IT SHOULDN’T BE ALL UPPERCASE
- If the word actually ends in a ‘s’, a ‘z’ does not suffice
- None of that Twiztid shit, no rappers in your goddamn name
- Also, none of this AZN garbage.
- Let’s not randomly capitalize letters in your name
- You can’t just hit random letters
- Refrain from using stupid shit from movies
- The name of your favorite or current car does belong in your gamertag
- Generic I play video games names must go
- Your gamertag must be spelled correctly
- Throwing words together you think are awesome does not a name make
- Spaces in between the letters in your name isn’t really cool, I’m s e r i o u s

Also, don’t put these words in your name:
- Army
- Shadow
- Reaper
- Killa or killer
- Spartan
- Cyber
- Unknown
- Dogg
- Blu
- Marine
- Vortex

Now, not all gamertags suck, here are some good ones I came across in writing this article:

Emptyjar
UnclaspedDeb
Playful Pinky
NuclearPenguins

Unfortunately, the list is pretty short. I also came across gamertags so horrid I had to single them out, they are:

llxBLADExll
GhStRdR2k

I literally could do this for several hours, right now I’m forcing myself away from the Official Xbox Forums so I can do my actual job. Please remember these rules carefully the next time one of your friends decides to create a gamertag, or else you’re an idiot who should get cancer of the stomach. And groin. And then a car should hit you, and your favorite pet.

Dear Left4Dead,
It has been a long time since I had an opportunity of writing to you, and I gladly avail myself of the present opportunity. I am not certain that I will have a chance of sending this but I will write a few lines any how and try and get it off to let you know that I am among the fans.

I been playing Crash Course but I have not time to give you the particulars of my session. I will write in a few days if I can get a chance to send it and write you a long one. I just came off of picket and found the boys all writing to send by a man that has been discharged who is going to start home this morning. I was quite sick three or four days while in Mo. but have entirely recovered. I entered a good many safe houses while in Crash Course, and killed a good many hunters and smokers. I fought them nearly all day in the first level two weeks ago today. The yanks boasted I would never get two the second level again but they were badly mistaken, for I am back again and have sustained but very light loss, I never lost a survivor on this playthrough. I wish I had time to give you a full description of my playthrough. It would be very interesting to you I know; but you will have to put up with this scrawl for the present. I am in hopes that I will get a whole package of letters from you in a few days. I never wanted to see you half as bad in all my life as I do now. I would give anything in the world to see you and the Xbox 360. I have no idea when I will have that pleasure. We can’t get any news here – do not know what is going on in the outside world. I will write as soon as I get a chance to send them off.

I will remain in this vicinity, I expect for some time to finish playing. My skills are sadly worsted. I found plenty to eat but hardly even had time to feed or eat as I played almost insesantly night and day. I could get any amount of bacon of the very best kind at 10 cts and everything else in proportion.

I must close for fear I do not get to send my letter off. Write offten I will get them some time. I will write every chance, do not be uneasy when you do not get letters, for when we I am looking for glitches as I have been it is impossible to write or to send them off if I did write. Give my love to Gabe Newell and the entire development team. My love and a thousand kisses to my own Left4Dead copy and our Xbox 360. How my heart years for thou that are so near and dear to me. Goodbye Left4Dead, for the present.

As ever your devoted and loving fan, Joshua Taylor.

So, on Kotaku Stephen Totilo was given an advanced copy of Scribblenauts, and he wrote a little article about one of his experiences. This is odd; while Kotaku receives pretty much every game they rarely review or talk about them. Way to raise the bar Stephen, you’ve raised the quality of Kotaku from OK! Magazine to US Weekly.

Below is an artist’s depiction of the level he describes in the article. The objective is to grab every flower without crushing them or dying (and then return them to a basket I didn’t draw on the left hand side). Note that in Scribblenauts you can write anything and it appears, so feel free to come up with your own solution before reading what Stephen does. If you’re still confused, how would you get past that first bee if you could use anything in the world?

Got it? Now read one former MTV journalist’s (is that what he was) quest to play ONE LEVEL in Scribblenauts.

Attempt 1: Created bear to attack bee buzzing over first flower, so I could safely grab the flower. Bear killed bee. Bear then killed Maxwell. Level failed.

What the fuck man? You’re going with a bear to kill the bee? How about a goddamn flamethrower.

Attempt 2: Made bear; bear killed bee. Laid down bear trap. Died. Level failed.

Still going with that bear eh?

Attempt 3: Made bear; bear killed bee. Laid down bear trap, ran away. Bear didn’t chase. Ran back over. Caught self in bear trap. Mauled by bear. Level failed.

Ok, now you’re just a fucking moron. Let’s say the level had a bear you had to get past, I assume you’d just chuck a grenade at it and be done with it. Instead you lay down a stupid bear trap, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.

Attempt 4: Made bear; bear killed bee; laid trap. Bear caught in trap. Bear broke free. Killed Maxwell. Level failed.

TRY SOMETHING ELSE ALREADY.

Attempt 5: Made exterminator. Exterminator fumigated bee. Exterminator did not maul Maxwell. Has Maxwell grab first flower and placed it in basket. Approached lake containing piranha and second flower. Fell in. Jumped out. Made fishing pole. Fished piranha out. On land, piranha flopped, attacked, killed Maxwell. Level failed.

Great, you managed to get past the bee after 5 tries. Still not very imaginative with an exterminator, but it worked. Then you promptly failed the next part.

Attempt 6: Made exterminator. Exterminator fumigated bee. Did not grab first flower. Approached piranha lake. Made fishing boat. Dropped big boat into lake. Boat must have crushed flower. Level failed.

I can actually see this as being an honest mistake.

Attempt 7: Made exterminator. In a twist, exterminator failed to fumigate bee. Bee attacked fleeing exterminator. Bee stung exterminator to death. Bee killed flower basket girl. Level failed.

Fuck your exterminator in it’s goddamn face. You need to go 187 on that fucking bee.

Attempt 8: Made gun. Shot bee dead. Gun disappeared. Made gun again. Approached piranha lake. Attempted to shoot piranha dead. Bad shooting angle and touchy controls prevented this. Either was too far away and shooting into ground (game was connecting Maxwell’s gun to fish in straight line; allowing me to select a “shoot” prompt when tapping on piranha, even though trajectory was blocked. New idea: Made corpse. Threw corpse into piranha lake. Piranha attacked corpse. Dove for flower. Piranha finished corpse and ate Maxwell. Level failed.

Look who finally got some balls. I wouldn’t have gone with the corpse thing myself, first I would of tried ‘Piranha seeking missle’.

Attempt 9: Made gun. Shot bee dead. Made hand grenade. Tossed it into piranha lake. Greande killed fish. Grenade killed flower. Level failed.

Well someone watched Crocodile Dundee, although he fished with a stick of dynamite. Also Grenades don’t kill flowers, stop being so melodramatic. And it’s spelled ‘Grenade’.

Attempt 10: Made gun. Tried to shoot bee dead. Bullet ricocheted and destroyed first flower. Level failed.

You would admit this?

Attempt 11: Made beekeeper. Beekeeper fled from bee (?). Made exterminator. Exterminator killed bee. Made fisherman. Fisherman cowered near piranha lake (??). Made fishing pole and gave to fisherman. Fisherman looked like he was about to fish but instead fell into lake and was eaten. (Some of the characters are kind of dumb.) Made another fisherman. Gave him pole. Couldn’t figure out how to make fisherman fish. Accidentally made Maxwell fall in lake. Piranha latched on. Death. Level failed.

The key here is to not rely on the games AI. Makes sense when someone says it out loud right? Thought so.

Attempt 12: Made hot air balloon. Put Maxwell in it. Flew over piranha lake. Made gun. Shot at fish. Gun destroyed hot air balloon instead. Fell into lake. Jumped out of lake. Made corpse. Threw it into lake to draw fish away. Made gun to shoot fish while it ate corpse. Shots didn’t hit. Made new corpse and tried with sniper rifle. Didn’t work. Dove in and just grabbed flower. Success. Bee was gone. Put lake flower in basket. Put bee flower in basket. Made helicopter to get to high ridge for final flower. Was afraid to land helicopter on ledge, out of fear of destroying flower. Tried to jump out of helicopter. Fell into piranha lake. Died. Level failed.

I’d say 80% of people who look at the level think ‘hot air balloon’ for grabbing the cliff flower, apparently he decides a helicopter will be better and fails.

Attempt 13: Made gun. Shot bee dead. Got first flower. Made two corpses. Tossed them into piranha lake for distraction. Dove and recovered second flower. Made truck and dumped it into lake. Did same with a boat. Tried climbing over those vehicles to get to ledge and final flower. Vehicles shifted; Maxwell thrown into ridge wall. Died. Level failed.

Don’t fill the fucking lake up, FLY OVER IT YOU IMBECILE. If you want to not fly create ‘Jesus holding a table over his head’, then you can just ride on the table while Jesus walks on water.

Attempt 14: Made gun. Shot bee dead. Made hot air balloon. Flew to ridge. Got out, grabbed flower. Parked balloon plummeted to lake and killed lake flower. Level failed.

That’s what you get for not dealing with the lake before the cliff. I see you’re also going with that ‘flying’ concept again. Nice.

Attempt 15. Same as Attempt 14, except replace “gun” with “machete;” and “shot” with “chopped after accidentally destroying nearby house.” Level failed.

Who the fuck knows what you did this time. Next time type ‘dildo’ and slap yourself with it, maybe it will give you special powers.

Attempt 16. Made gun. Shot bee dead. Made hot air balloon. Flew to ridge. Got out, grabbed flower. Got back in balloon. Safely put cliff flower in basket. Put bee flower in basket. Threw corpses into piranha lake to distract fish. Dove in and grabbed lake flower. Jumped out. Put lake flower in basket. Starite found! Success!

I love how you keep doing the same thing over again. What you can infer from this is that you screwed up and felt you could do it better a second time. This in turn means anyone who doesn’t suck at video games will do rather well at this game, and won’t fuck up every time.

Take his experience as you will, and also note that he loved every minute of it. It really seems that using things that use AI or require tricky controls are a recipe for disaster. That said, with everyone ranting and raving about this game it could be the next great thing. Unlike Halo or Madden X though, your success in it depends on your creativity and imagination. I for one will try to stab the bee with a tainted aids needle.

Neotokyo released today, and boy is it swell. For those who aren’t in the know, Neotokyo is a Half-Life 2 mod which has been in the making for 5 years or so. Here’s the description:

NEOTOKYO° takes place in and around a fictionalized Tokyo approximately 30 years in the future. Mankind has begun to fuse with technology. Government and corporate corruption have transformed Tokyo into a deadly dystopian nightmare. After a near-successful military coup by ranking members of Jinrai, the National Security Force (NSF) is formed – answering directly to the Prime Minister, it’s mission is to investigate and eliminate all threats to Japan, both abroad and at home. The initial core of the NSF is made from an exodus from within the intelligence branch of the military. With this betrayal begins the war in the shadows between the NSF and Jinrai.

If any of this is familiar it’s because it is, Neotokyo borrows heavily from Masamune Shirow’s Ghost in the Shell. They manage to capture Ghost in the Shell’s world perfectly, the game features some of the best maps and textures around. While it only released with one game mode, capture the ghost (capture the flag), it did launch with around 6 extremely detailed maps. Seriously, I can’t emphasize this enough, these guys know how to make maps.

Let’s get on to the gameplay, boiled down the game is basically Counter-Strike. You have two opposing sides and it’s heavily team-based, so that’s what comes to mind first. Instead of buying your weapons in the beginning, you can pick your class (recon, assault, or support) and then pick the weapons you have unlocked. You unlock weapons by gaining points during the mapcycle, once you go to the next map you need to unlock the upper weapons again. So after you do all of that, your team rushes out and gets lost (hey it’s a new game, like hours new). Really what they should be doing is trying to get the ghost, once you grab it the positions of all of your enemies are known. The ghost has an indicator showing where it is, if anyone has picked it up, and how far away it is. As shown in this dandy picture (click on any of the pictures to see them larger):

When you pick it up you get to grab it’s cyborg tit:

You have to drop your primary weapon to use it, so you can’t go galavanting around and slaughter everyone.

On to the classes. Recon are the fast guys, little armor equals fast running and long jumping. These guys can vault around, which I’ve already seen skilled players use to their advantage. The only problem is they use submachine guns, and the guns need to be tweaked a bit in NeoTokyo. Basically, every gun kinda sucks except for the m41, and recons don’t get the m41 (unless it’s a super-high unlock). But as a bonus, if you know what you’re doing you can get behind the other team very quickly. The only problem is you’ll only gun down one person before you’re killed. Oh, and they also get a remote detonation pack, nightvision (useless), and a large amount of thermoptic camouflage.

Assaults are next, they can use some heavier weapons, sprint a bit, and have thermoptic camouflage. They also have a nade which works out well on some of the indoor maps. They aren’t as plushy as the recons, but in the games I was playing it was mostly support and recons. They have motion vision to boot, which lights people up like christmas trees if they move. The only problem is people tend to stand still while they shoot you in the face.

Support! My favorite class! The reason these guys are so badass is that they have thermo vision, and one of their starting weapons is the m41. I’ve unlocked most of these guys weapons and I still always go with the m41. In terms of thermo, if you enter a room and turn on thermo vision, you can instantly see everyone which is a huge advantage. For an even greater advantage you get smoke grenade which makes every other class blind; all you do is switch on your thermo and it’s fish in a barrel folks. Most of the screenshots will be at the end of the article, but here’s one to illustrate:

Without thermo:

With thermo:

The only problem with thermo is those guys with thermoptic camoflauge don’t show up that well on it. Here’s an example, you can see the guy who isn’t bright, he has a gray crosshair-thingie on him:

Generally though, if you’re paying attention enough you’ll notice them. Also, since knifing doesn’t work so well if they try it you can blast them in the face.

Now about the thermoptic camoflauge, it does mask you from thermo vision but there is that optic part as well. Lookie:

See that NSF guy? He doesn’t even see the camoflauged Jinrai guy. You can’t switch it on willy nilly though, as there is a little burst of light and a noise when you turn it on. There is also a burst of light when you fire with it on, while this doesn’t decloak you, it allows the enemy to know exactly where you are.

I am very happy with Neo Tokyo, hell I played it for 5 hours straight. Some people think it’s a bit simplistic, which it is, but then again so is Counter-Strike. I can really see people getting into this, you just have to learn the maps first. As they are incredibly detailed they are also a bit complicated, sometimes it’s hard to tell where the enemy will come from. As you also switch around spawn points every round, one round you’ll come from one way, and another from where your enemy just came from. Add 6 maps into the mix and you’ve got a nice steep learning curve. If you’ve somehow managed to get this far without starting your 900MB download, do it now.

Also make sure to check out the screenshots below, they’re from one of NeoTokyo’s gorgeous maps, Skyline. I also have some other ones thrown in for fun.

Totally check out our awesome staff page, it’s rad.

We’re so pretty. I also need a new picture.

Every once and awhile I like to highlight the actions of the lowest form of the gaming republic, forum fanbois. These mouthbreathers lurk in the official forums of games and only exist to complain about the most meaningless mechanic. Today we’ll visit the Activision forum and take a look at the fanbois for Activision’s latest game, Prototype. Please note: if you have anger issues you might not want to read this; trying to punch them through the internet will only result in a broken monitor.

So here’s the thread we’re going to look at today, it just happens to be about the lack of cheats in Prototype. Yes, that is what we are covering today, a thread of fanbois complaining how there are no cheats (known as cheets from now on). Let’s highlight our first poster:

now u tell us. what a let down

y did u let the ‘CHEAT’ balloon to be inflated so much THEN pop it spontainiously

- Skeloton

I get what he’s going after in what should be the first sentence (but comes out as two sentences), but he completely loses me in the second (or is it third?!?). I could examine is word structure and grammar, but that would be too boring. Any somewhat intelligent human being can see what’s going on here, the poor kid is being beat senseless with a hammer while typing. Stop laughing, domestic abuse isn’t funny. Actually I take that back, it is for right now.

well atleast we know.sorta a letdown now it would off added some great replayibility. guess i will play some assasins creed
- antiprototype

I love this one, he complains about Prototype not having ENOUGH RE PLAYABILITY and instead says he’ll play ASSASSIN’S CREED. Yes, Assassin’s Creed, the most un-replayable game on this face of the earth. In his defense some people are scared of change so they like doing the same thing over doing the same thing over doing the same thing over again. Thank god for people like antiprototype, who else would serve me burgers at Jack in the Box on 3am Christmas Day?

FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU now im angry >_>
- corban123

CALM DOWN, JUST CALM DOWN. DON’T FREAK OUT. Dude this guy is wiggin’ out. Also I thought the appropriate smiley face was >_<.

Well done, you guys are really good at * everybody off. You must be the worst game creators ever to not implement cheats in a sanbox game. * IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!! I am defernatly never buying a radical game again, all you do is let the fans down and lie. I bet next you’re going to tell us the leg does nothing.oh and you completely * us over. I think I’ll just go and trade this back in now and get a bettergame. Thanks for wasting my money you * !!!
-Flappyman

I would like to first point out the word ‘defernatly’, he’s obviously spelling it phonetically so apparently that’s how he pronounces it. This in turn means he has a speech impediment, something with shouldn’t be apparent OVER THE INTERNET.

I HOPE U GUYS REALIZE NO BODY IS TAKING ANY OF THIS * AND I KNOW I AM RETURNING MY GAME AND BUYING SOME OTHER ONE. ANY GAME WOULD BE BETTER THAN THIS NOW THAT I FOUND OUT THERE IS NO CHEATS! THANKS A LOT GUYS FOR RUINING A GOOD GAME AND LETTING YOUR COMMUNITY DOWN. THIS IS BY FAR THE BIGGEST LET DOWN YOU COULD SAY TO US. WHAT TERRIBLE DEVELOPERS AND EVEN YOU SOKUN. I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS…..A GAME WITH THAT MUCH HYPE IS NOW DONE FOR. GOOD. I HOPE YOU GET NO MORE BUYERS AND EVERY SINGLE PERSON RETURNS THEIR COPY. NOT BUYING ANY OF RADICAL’S FUTURE GAMES AND I GUARANTEE THAT THERE WILL BE NO PROTOTYPE 2 BECAUSE YOU WILL MAKE NO MORE MONEY. THANKS A LOT WE COULD ALL TELL THAT YOU GUYS CARE WHAT WE HAVE TO SAY…..
- AMERCER182

Now his username is all UPPERCASE which leads me to believe he either has a faulty keyboard or is a very angry young man. But then we look at his signature:

Question:
How Much Wood Could a Woodchuck Chuck if a Woodchuck Could Chuck Wood?

Answer:
Exactly 87 Pieces.

And that theory goes to shit, unless he copied and pasted. From reading his post it doesn’t even seem he could appreciate such dry humor. Maybe he’s playing into the stereotype the world expects him to be – a fucking retard.

I feel I’ve posted too many idiots, let’s look at a better structured post:

I personally love codes that make me god-like, because of the fact they make me god-like. I LIKE having absolutely unstoppable characters, it’s fun for me. Making the game easier has nothing to do with it. I’ve already beaten the game, gotten all WoI targets and done every Event, and got Platinum in them all. So I have no problems with difficulty.

However, I would LOVE being able to stand in the middle of Times Square having tanks and helicopters constantly firing missles at my face and being unable to die from it, ever. Not that I would just stand there, but you get it.
- HatchedHound

At least he was able to intelligently articulate his point, and you can kind of see where he’s coming from. He’s a lonely boy, he exceeds at school only to be alienated by his other classmates. He comes from a poor family so he can’t buy every videogame that comes out, and unfortunately he chose Prototype. You’d think he’d choose a game with a lot of replayability, Gears of War 2, Orange Box, L4D, or Call of Duty 4, but instead he picks a game without any multiplayer. Thus he gets his enjoyment out of constantly playing by himself in the game’s immense sandbox, but it’s not enough for him. He wants to be invincible, he wants to feel special, he wants to be a GOD. And he can’t, he is unable to because Radical didn’t have enough time to put cheets into the game. He feels betrayed, but then again he should concentrate on making some real life friends. If he did he wouldn’t have to worry about the lack of cheets in the game, only the lack of Multiplayer.

So as a special note to all you fanbois out there, calm the fuck down. It doesn’t matter when you complain, the only company that actually cares is Valve. Also, video games are great, but life is also worth living. Don’t stress about small stuff, and please learn proper grammar and spelling when posting on forums. It makes the Internet a greater place, and makes you look at lot less like a flaming retard.